Protesters deface "Lupe" the Bass

The national attacks on statues reached Kerrville last weekend, when protestors desecrated the beloved symbol of the Texas state fish.

“Lupe” the Guadalupe Bass was painted over with graffiti saying “Eat more Chiken” and “Fish ain’t Food.”

Claiming credit was a group of Anti-Fishists, or Antifi.

“Fishists are using their reel privilege to exploit our natural resources for their selfish hunger for sweet, flaky fillets,” said Antifi spokes-human Charlie Starkeys. “We have actual footage of groups, including minor children, gathering along lakes and streams in an attempt to remove Fish of all species from their natural habitats.”

The Guadalupe Bass statue was erected in Louise Hayes Park in 2017 as a tribute to the “clear, rocky spring-fed rivers of the Hill Country,” home to 14 fish species, according to accounts at the time of installation.

The twisting fish includes hundreds of handmade mosaic tiles created by local residents, and is hailed as “an iconic symbol” of the community.

Citing the Guadalupe bass’s indigenous right to live in the area’s flowing streams, Starkeys called for reparations and respect for all fish lives.

“Fish should not come out of the water until they can do it on their own four legs,” Starkeys said.

Bookless Library clever use of Stimulus Funding

by Nick Bottom

While some complain that the recently-renovated Butt-Holdsworth Memorial Library has shed about 20% of its books, writing letters to the editor and generally complaining, few realize how clever the culling of those books really is.
"Sure, we've had to part with some great books," said Tommy E. Reader, head librarian, "like most of Dickens, Tolstoy, and Jackie Collins. But the absence of books is only part of the real story."
Indeed, many library patrons, after visiting the shiny new library have remarked the renovations look great, but have asked, "Where are the books?"
It seems a little-known part of the massive federal stimulus bill provides funding for libraries to remove books.
"It's a little like the farm subsidy program," the head librarian noted. "Instead of getting paid not to plant a crop, we're getting paid to not shelve books."
In fact, the library staff has grown since the remodeled library re-opened.
"With these federal dollars rolling in, it made sense to hire more folks, especially in these hard times. A job is a job. When the federal government will pay you to not shelve a book, we figured we could also get paid to not check out a book, not repair worn books, and not point out books to patrons seeking information or enlightenment."
The future looks bright at the bookless library. Since the non-books do not take up space, nor weigh anything, there are plans to open up branch libraries in the future.
A branch library containing, say, 100,000 non-books would take up the same amount of space as a small linen closet. "We hope to open a branch in every neighborhood in the county," said Reader. "Of course, they'll be small branches, but they'll have the same number of books as the main library."
And since the non-books have no weight, several bicycle-based "Bookmobiles" are planned.
"Just imagine all the kids we will be able to serve this summer," he continued.
"Imagine children running to the book-mobile bicycle, smiles on their faces, being able to take home as many non-books as they imagine they can hold."
Bookless libraries are just the start of a great economic trend. In fact, many school districts are studying the idea of student-less school districts, while local governments are hoping to adopt politician-less city councils.

Kerrville lake gets new name

April 25, 2010 - Kerrville city council has voted on a proposal put forward by councilman Scott Gross to christen the body of water that lies in the heart of downtown Kerrville with a more appealing name.

The popular lake is a result of the Upper Guadalupe River Authority damn, hence it is known as UGRA Lake, pronounced “Ugra Lake.”

“That is only a short way from ‘ugly’ lake,” said Gross, who is also a marketing expert. “We needed a name that presents a more positive image to citizens and visitors.

The area will now be known as “Gross Lake.”

Committee proposes new function for Schreiner Mansion

Sept 25, 2010 - The Committee studying uses for the Charles Schreiner mansion on Earl Garrett Street in downtown Kerrville has proposed repurposing the historic landmark into a brothel.

The proposal caused spirited discussion among committee members. Proponents listed the benefits of starting a brothel:

- increased foot traffic downtown
- needed employment for entry-level workers
- boost in sin tax revenues

“A brothel would also cater to the large retiree population in town,” said a local physician. “This age group would benefit most from the increased exercise.”

Those opposed to the idea questioned the expense of converting the 100-year-old structure. Supporters noted there would be minimal remodeling required. “The decor in the mansion kind of looks like a whorehouse already,” a committee member said.

Advocates also pledged to pursue economic stimulus funding. “If this project isn’t stimulating, I don’t know what would be,” said one supporter.

Word of the new mission for the mansion has already led to an increase in economic activity, as several pharmacies are reportedly vying to lease retail space across the street.

Y.O. Hotel sign reinstalled backwards

Aug 23, 2010 - Travelers taking the Kerrville Exit 508 along Texas Interstate 10 who are used to seeing the familiar Y.O. Ranch sign at the famous hotel will instead be greeted with the Yiddish exclamation of “OY!”

The new message is due to workmen reinstalling the familiar hotel logo backwards this weekend.

The landmark sign was removed earlier in the year for cleaning and refurbishing after 30 years of use at the gateway hotel. Following a debate with the city about whether the sign could be reinstalled due to changes in Kerrville’s sign ordinance, the way was cleared under the grandfather clause.

Apparently the sign was installed backwards by an out of town work crew unfamiliar with Texas brands and customs.

“We think the problem happened because low bid on this job came from a New York firm,” said a city staffer. “I understand that in that part of the world, ‘oy’ is a common expression of chagrin or exasperation. It’s an understandable mistake... and kind of appropriate, when you think about it.”

Residents discovered the new Yiddish greeting as they drove into work on Monday morning. Most took it in stride. “I assumed it was a commentary from the Jewish community on the appearance of the 7-story cross across the highway,” said one customer at McDonalds. Another commented, “I kind of like it... it adds an interdenominational flavor to our little city.”

Owners of the hotel indicated they may leave the backwards Y.O. in place for a while. “As word has spread about this, we’ve had an unexpected surge in bookings from Florida,” the manager explained. “We’ll probably leave the ‘OY’ up there at least through Hanukkah.”

Across town, another Kerrville hotel is experiencing a similar increase in business following a sign painter’s error making them “Sinn of the Hills.”

Schreiner Department Store to house VA Homeless Shelter

by Nick Bottom, Special Correspondent to NNN


Photo: Bunks are being set up on 2nd floor of old Schreiner Department Store building.

KERRVILLE Aug 3, 2010 - What used to house shoes and dresses will now see rows of bunks and footlockers, as homeless veterans and their families move into the old Schreiner Department Store building at the corner of Water and Earl Garrett streets in downtown Kerrville.

The project is part of the Veterans Administration Medical System's planned homeless shelter, which has been much in the local news lately, with letters appearing in newspapers both for and against the proposal. A spokesman for the VA said that now that the shelter has moved from the VA Hospital campus to the downtown area, "most of the criticism will probably evaporate."

"We took a lot of heat when we proposed building the homeless shelter way out here next to our hospital. That's when we realized people wanted the shelter right downtown. It's hard to understand how we missed this obvious desire on behalf of the citizens of Kerrville."

When the Peterson Regional Medical Center moved across the river, the hole it left in downtown was more than bricks and mortar. The hundreds of people who worked each day in the old hospital were suddenly gone. Restaurants noticed the drop-off in traffic, and several retail shops which catered to the hospital employees and visitors have closed.

The owners of the building are happy to find a good long-term tenant. "The federal government is always a good renter. They pay on time and they seldom move away. We're hoping they'll expand the program to the land being cleared by the demolition of the old hospital."

The new project is a “win-win" according to store owners. “Not only will this project provide much needed housing for these individuals, but our downtown area will once again have a lot of foot traffic.”

Sculptors Plan Miniature Mt. Rushmore

July 30, 2010 - In a further bid to attract tourists to the Kerr area, a group of local artists have banded together to sculpt images of local leaders in a Texas version of Mount Rushmore.

The loosely affiliated artists, who call themselves “Taken 4 Granite,” have proposed placing the figures on the limestone cliff overlooking Loop 534.

“A replica of Mt Rushmore is a natural extension of the other area tourist attractions,” said a spokesman. “After all, Kerrville is already home to a scale model of Stonehenge.”

Community input is being sought to nominate a group of leading citizens for the honors of appearing in stone. From the initial group, the panel will select four people whose visages will grace the limestone cliff.

“We are looking to immortalize a few movers and shakers for future generations,” the spokesman said. “Traits we are looking for are people with vision and ideas, preferably who are bald and don’t wear glasses as they are easier to sculpt.”

Not all local residents are enthusiastic about the plan. Vern Beemer, who owns a home at the top of the proposed site, has voiced his opposition. “I don’t want to wake up every morning and look down some former mayor’s nose,” he told a local news station. “We already have that giant cross I can see out my back window. What’s next - the bloody Sphinx?”

In other news, Schreiner University announced plans to hold its first Nile Fest in September.

Mooney Aircraft to convert to shingle making factory

July 23, 2010 - The board of trustees of Mooney Aircraft announced it has begun converting its Kerrville facilities from the manufacture of single engine aircraft to cedar shingles. The conversion should be completed in time for the fall rainy season.

“With the uncertainty in the airline industry, plus the fact we have not sold a single airplane in 18 months, our administrative team decided to look back in history for a way to maximize our revenues,” said a board spokesman. “As any school boy knows, Kerrville’s first industry was cedar shingles. We feel the time has come to bring back that recession-proof industry.”

Mooney has begun hiring people with knowledge of the shingle-making process. So far, few people have applied, as it is a lost art. The company remains hopeful the word will spread.

“Our engineers and human resources personnel have been attending night courses in woodcarving at San Antonio College. Assuming we can identify a reliable supply of cedar trees, we are confident we can have the factory running at full capacity within two months.”

In related news, Mooney has announced development of their newest airplane model, the Cedar Speeder.

Cruise ships coming to Kerrville

July 12, 2010 - The Kerr Area Convention & Visitors Bureau is in negotiations with Carnival Cruise Lines to add Kerrville as a “port of call” on the company’s popular gulf cruise itinerary.

“We realize Kerrville is 230 miles inland,” said a CVB spokesperson. “But recent ample rains have raised the Guadalupe River enough to accommodate the draft of some typical cruise ships. We may not be able to handle the Queen Elizabeth, but we can certainly bring up the Carnival Ambivalence.”

The most logical location of the dock would be behind the historic Arcadia Theater, which is already in the process of being refurbished. Owners are reportedly open to the idea of serving as the portal to welcome cruise passengers to Kerrville.

The idea has created some controversy among local residents. Some believe the new international port will bring an influx of visitors that would justify construction of the Convention Center downtown.

Other local citizens are not convinced the idea will work.

“Kerrville as a cruise destination?” asked one passerby. “Yes, we have a navigable river and some great historic sites, but tourists also expect gimmicky, overpriced restaurants and trinket shops.”

In a related development, owners of the former Schreiner Department Store building have announced they are adding a Hard Rock Cafe and Planet Hollywood.

City proposes changing its name

July 8, 2010 - The Kerrville City Council has announced it will vote on changing the name of the community from Kerrville to “Frederickberg.” The name change is part of the effort to attract more tourism to this hill country community.

“We’ve been trying to think outside the box,” explained a council member on condition of anonymity. “Past councils have laid the groundwork to increase the visibility of Kerrville in the tourism industry, but we felt a name change was the final step needed to seal the deal.”

The council chose the new name only after exhaustive research. They consulted with the former head of the Kerr Historical Commission and discovered that one of the early Schreiner family members was named Frederick. By adding “berg” to that, they came up with the new name.

“We briefly played with the idea of using ‘Schreinerville,’ but were afraid the public would think we were affiliated with a group of clowns driving small cars,” the councilman said.

Supporters downplayed complaints that the new name might confuse visitors to another nearby community with a similar name. “We don’t think that will be an issue. There are many similar sounding town names. We think the tourists, with their proven earning ability and desire to spend liberally on vacations, are intelligent enough not to mix up communities 22 miles apart.”

In area news, the county seat of nearby Gillespie County is considering changing its name to “Disneeland.”

Kerrville receives award for unfinished pavilion

The prestigious Architectural Digest magazine has announced that the City of Kerrville has won its 2010 award for Most Innovative Urban Structure for the Pavilion on The Boardwalk On The Guadalupe in downtown Kerrville.

“We didn’t even know it was submitted as an entry,” said a city staffer.

The judges cited the structure for its “feathery etherealness” that “captured the spirit of potential, unrealized fulfillment, and yearning for flight.”

“We have never seen a city be so bold with its downtown planning and vision,” the report said. “It looks almost unfinished.”

The award comes with a plaque designed to be displayed on the winning structure. The city has indicated it will delay displaying the plaque, as there is not enough actual structure to attach it to.

As a result of this award, city officials are considering entering the former hospital in next year’s competition.

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