Saturday, July 31, 2010

Local school board adopts uniforms

Photo: Students model the proposed new school uniforms based on the popular TV series.

StarDate 100801 - The Alamo Springs Independent School District board of trustees Tuesday night approved an administrative recommendation to adopt a district-wide dress code. The administration is recommending uniforms based on the popular Star Trek series.

“Research shows that districts where students wear school uniforms experience a decrease in disciplinary problems and bullying,” said J.T. Kirk, superintendent. “Although some report increases in absenteeism from alien abductions. But that has not been my experience in alternate timelines.”

During discussion, board members raised concerns about which version of the TV series would be used as a model for the uniforms.

“Actually, we are leaning toward the spandex styles worn in Star Trek: The Next Generation,” said Kirk. “Those are very flattering and we think they look sharp. The velour uniforms from the original 1960s TV series seemed harder to keep cleaned and pressed.”

Board members also directed administrators to incorporate the official school colors of silver and crimson in the two-tone outfits.

To introduce the new look to the community, district personnel will emcee a fashion show at the local mall on Saturday, where students from pre-school to 12th grade will model the science fiction uniforms. The public is encouraged to attend, dressed as their favorite Star Trek character.

Maintenance workers, custodians, and bus drivers will don Klingon warrior garb while on duty. Administrators will continue to dress in conventional dark suits, oxford shirts, and striped ties, including the women.

On next month’s agenda, the board will entertain a proposal to rename the school’s athletic teams “The Scrapping Shatners.”

Friday, July 30, 2010

The State Fish of Texas, the Guadalupe Bass, is actually a Mammal

by Nick Bottom, Special Correspondent to NNN (Not Newz Network)

KERRVILLE - State fish experts are baffled at the recent discovery that the state fish of Texas, the Guadalupe Bass (Micropterus treculii), is actually a mammal.

Several specimens caught between Ingram and Kerrville appear to have fully developed beards and mustaches. I. M. Scaley, fish expert with the Texas Parks and Wildlife, said the fish has a long history of fooling experts. "First off," he said, "we discovered it's not really a bass at all, but a member of the sunfish family Centrarchidae."

Still, being a sunfish instead of a bass is not enough to knock the Guadalupe (Sunfish) Bass from its coveted state fish designation.

The beards and mustaches, though, might be too much even for Austin politicians to overlook.

Like most mammals, it appears the Guadalupe (Sunfish) Bass has hair and gives live birth to its young. In addition, offspring are nursed by their mothers.

"It's just the darnedest thing," Scaley continues, "seeing those little ones suckling in a line on their mom."

At first the fish researcher didn't want to tell Austin about the recent discovery. "There's a certain amount of pride in having a local fish designated as the state fish," he said. But the hairy specimens kept showing up at the research station. One, a female, even had blonde, braided hair. "The braid was about 4 inches long, the finest hair you ever saw," according to Scaley. When the controversial website Wikileaks ( obtained photos of the so-called fish, Scaley knew it was time to come clean. "I called Austin and told them what we'd discovered."

There's still hope, though. The state flying mammal is the Mexican Freetail Bat. "That animal isn't even from here," according to Scaley. "Perhaps we can have the Guadalupe (Sunfish) Bass named the state's swimming mammal."

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Sculptors Plan Miniature Mt. Rushmore

July 30, 2010 - In a further bid to attract tourists to the Kerr area, a group of local artists have banded together to sculpt images of local leaders in a Texas version of Mount Rushmore.

The loosely affiliated artists, who call themselves “Taken 4 Granite,” have proposed placing the figures on the limestone cliff overlooking Loop 534.

“A replica of Mt Rushmore is a natural extension of the other area tourist attractions,” said a spokesman. “After all, Kerrville is already home to a scale model of Stonehenge.”

Community input is being sought to nominate a group of leading citizens for the honors of appearing in stone. From the initial group, the panel will select four people whose visages will grace the limestone cliff.

“We are looking to immortalize a few movers and shakers for future generations,” the spokesman said. “Traits we are looking for are people with vision and ideas, preferably who are bald and don’t wear glasses as they are easier to sculpt.”

Not all local residents are enthusiastic about the plan. Vern Beemer, who owns a home at the top of the proposed site, has voiced his opposition. “I don’t want to wake up every morning and look down some former mayor’s nose,” he told a local news station. “We already have that giant cross I can see out my back window. What’s next - the bloody Sphinx?”

In other news, Schreiner University announced plans to hold its first Nile Fest in September.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Mooney Aircraft to convert to shingle making factory

July 23, 2010 - The board of trustees of Mooney Aircraft announced it has begun converting its Kerrville facilities from the manufacture of single engine aircraft to cedar shingles. The conversion should be completed in time for the fall rainy season.

“With the uncertainty in the airline industry, plus the fact we have not sold a single airplane in 18 months, our administrative team decided to look back in history for a way to maximize our revenues,” said a board spokesman. “As any school boy knows, Kerrville’s first industry was cedar shingles. We feel the time has come to bring back that recession-proof industry.”

Mooney has begun hiring people with knowledge of the shingle-making process. So far, few people have applied, as it is a lost art. The company remains hopeful the word will spread.

“Our engineers and human resources personnel have been attending night courses in woodcarving at San Antonio College. Assuming we can identify a reliable supply of cedar trees, we are confident we can have the factory running at full capacity within two months.”

In related news, Mooney has announced development of their newest airplane model, the Cedar Speeder.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Cruise ships coming to Kerrville

July 12, 2010 - The Kerr Area Convention & Visitors Bureau is in negotiations with Carnival Cruise Lines to add Kerrville as a “port of call” on the company’s popular gulf cruise itinerary.

“We realize Kerrville is 230 miles inland,” said a CVB spokesperson. “But recent ample rains have raised the Guadalupe River enough to accommodate the draft of some typical cruise ships. We may not be able to handle the Queen Elizabeth, but we can certainly bring up the Carnival Ambivalence.”

The most logical location of the dock would be behind the historic Arcadia Theater, which is already in the process of being refurbished. Owners are reportedly open to the idea of serving as the portal to welcome cruise passengers to Kerrville.

The idea has created some controversy among local residents. Some believe the new international port will bring an influx of visitors that would justify construction of the Convention Center downtown.

Other local citizens are not convinced the idea will work.

“Kerrville as a cruise destination?” asked one passerby. “Yes, we have a navigable river and some great historic sites, but tourists also expect gimmicky, overpriced restaurants and trinket shops.”

In a related development, owners of the former Schreiner Department Store building have announced they are adding a Hard Rock Cafe and Planet Hollywood.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Man with no musical talent releases CD

Producers of the hit television talent show “Texas Idle” are releasing a compilation of tunes written and performed by their newest discovery - Buford Rugby. The Center Point, Texas native was plucked from a crowd for having no musical talent whatsoever.

“We were searching for something different - a new kind of music that will cut through the noise of rap, hip hop, pop, and especially country music,” said Idle spokesman Simon Grisdale. “I mean, how many ways can you sing about jukeboxes, cheating and drinking and keep it fresh? Rugby is our man.”

Rugby did not even audition for the show. Talent scouts discovered the sorghum farmer at the High Water Baptist Church.

“I was driving back from Denny’s one Sunday morning and happened to pass by this little church,” Grisdale explained. “Through the window I heard the choir, and there was one unmistakable voice that was singing notes nowhere to be found in ‘A Mighty Fortress.’”

Grisdale walked inside and discovered Rugby sitting in the back row. “He was easy to spot - he had his hymnal upside down.” Grisdale immediately signed him to an exclusive contract and they went into the studio that very day.

The new CD - Songs in the Key of Buford - was finished within the hour.

“This is a new sound, a fresh way of listening to music,” Grisdale said. “Judging by what’s selling out there, we see a trend of less and less talent performing lower quality pieces. Taking that to its logical end, we give you Buford Rugby.”

Rugby remains nonplussed about all the hoopla, although his success has already changed his life. He has had 37 visits to his web site and now gets served the largest slice of pie at the Turn In Tavern.

Rugby is already working on his next project - a duet album with Lady Gaga.

Amateur musician discovers new note

A professor at MIT has announced startling news. Researchers at the prestigious school have confirmed the discovery of a new musical note.

The new tone was discovered by amateur musician Drew Feckelbender during his Beginning Dulcimer class.

According to Hiram Aksent, Professor of Advanced Clavier Temporing, this note had never been heard before Feckelbender played it.

“This find is truly remarkable,” he said. “A new note only comes along once in a millenium.”

Aksent went on to explain that throughout modern history, the typical western musical scale featured just 12 tones. All music is composed using only those 12 notes, from the most intricate Bach sonata to Achy Breaky Heart.

Some eastern cultures feature more tones, but according to Aksent those don’t make “real” music. “Those scales are mostly heard in Bollywood sound tracks and around gypsy campfires.”

Professor Aksent has identified the new note as 8/43rds of the way between E double sharp and G flat. He described the new tone as not unpleasant. “It sort of sounds like a cricket with sinus problems dancing on a hot griddle.”

Feckelbender claims to have stumbled across the note while playing his homemade dulcimer. “I was trying to reach that G7 chord in ‘She’ll Be Coming Round the Mountain,’ but I just couldn’t get my little finger in the right place. I kind of scrunched up my hand and that’s when I hit it.”

The unemployed census taker has no plans to patent the new note. “This is a discovery that I would like to share with the musical world. I’m hoping Elton John will use it in his next Disney musical.”

The Academy of Musica hailed the discovery of the new musical note in a press release. “Modern composers have increasingly struggled to create new melodies with the limited number of notes we have used for several hundred years. This new note will increase their options by 8.333%. We anticipate at least a 5% surge in creativity.”

In other news, Ricky Skaggs just released a new CD titled “Crickets on the Griddle.”

City proposes changing its name

July 8, 2010 - The Kerrville City Council has announced it will vote on changing the name of the community from Kerrville to “Frederickberg.” The name change is part of the effort to attract more tourism to this hill country community.

“We’ve been trying to think outside the box,” explained a council member on condition of anonymity. “Past councils have laid the groundwork to increase the visibility of Kerrville in the tourism industry, but we felt a name change was the final step needed to seal the deal.”

The council chose the new name only after exhaustive research. They consulted with the former head of the Kerr Historical Commission and discovered that one of the early Schreiner family members was named Frederick. By adding “berg” to that, they came up with the new name.

“We briefly played with the idea of using ‘Schreinerville,’ but were afraid the public would think we were affiliated with a group of clowns driving small cars,” the councilman said.

Supporters downplayed complaints that the new name might confuse visitors to another nearby community with a similar name. “We don’t think that will be an issue. There are many similar sounding town names. We think the tourists, with their proven earning ability and desire to spend liberally on vacations, are intelligent enough not to mix up communities 22 miles apart.”

In area news, the county seat of nearby Gillespie County is considering changing its name to “Disneeland.”

Friday, July 2, 2010

Kerrville receives award for unfinished pavilion

The prestigious Architectural Digest magazine has announced that the City of Kerrville has won its 2010 award for Most Innovative Urban Structure for the Pavilion on The Boardwalk On The Guadalupe in downtown Kerrville.

“We didn’t even know it was submitted as an entry,” said a city staffer.

The judges cited the structure for its “feathery etherealness” that “captured the spirit of potential, unrealized fulfillment, and yearning for flight.”

“We have never seen a city be so bold with its downtown planning and vision,” the report said. “It looks almost unfinished.”

The award comes with a plaque designed to be displayed on the winning structure. The city has indicated it will delay displaying the plaque, as there is not enough actual structure to attach it to.

As a result of this award, city officials are considering entering the former hospital in next year’s competition.


Thursday, July 1, 2010

"Empty cross" debate close to solution

Release: AD 2010

The two parties engaged in arbitration over the "7- story cross" overlooking Interstate Highway 10 near Kerrville, TX have come to an agreement that may solve the dilemma.

The impasse was broken when representatives of the Lower Colorado River Authority approached cross proponents with a proposal to use the cross to carry high-power transmission lines from the wind farms in west Texas.

"The new cross fell in line with our existing right-of-way across the hill country," said LCRA spokesman Jude S. Priess. He noted that the "empty cross" design would accommodate the transmission lines with few modifications. He added that the height and location would be ideal for mounting a shortwave transmission dish to the top of the cross.

LCRA has encountered resistance from area residents who claim the power poles ruin the hill country scenery. Combining the two projects makes sense.

"What's not to love?" Priess asked. "You can honor your faith, and at the same time bring green energy to the moneychangers in San Antonio. It's win-win."

A spokesman who preferred to remain anonymous reported that LCRA is considering converting all of their transmission towers into "empty crosses."

As crews prepare to erect the cross, engineers are working on ways to keep pigeons from roosting on the cross bar.