Tuesday, July 14, 2020

Protesters deface "Lupe" the Bass

The national attacks on statues reached Kerrville last weekend, when protestors desecrated the beloved symbol of the Texas state fish.

“Lupe” the Guadalupe Bass was painted over with graffiti saying “Eat more Chiken” and “Fish ain’t Food.”

Claiming credit was a group of Anti-Fishists, or Antifi.

“Fishists are using their reel privilege to exploit our natural resources for their selfish hunger for sweet, flaky fillets,” said Antifi spokes-human Charlie Starkeys. “We have actual footage of groups, including minor children, gathering along lakes and streams in an attempt to remove Fish of all species from their natural habitats.”

The Guadalupe Bass statue was erected in Louise Hayes Park in 2017 as a tribute to the “clear, rocky spring-fed rivers of the Hill Country,” home to 14 fish species, according to accounts at the time of installation.

The twisting fish includes hundreds of handmade mosaic tiles created by local residents, and is hailed as “an iconic symbol” of the community.

Citing the Guadalupe bass’s indigenous right to live in the area’s flowing streams, Starkeys called for reparations and respect for all fish lives.

“Fish should not come out of the water until they can do it on their own four legs,” Starkeys said.

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

Is liver a cure for COVID?

People across the country are reporting remarkable resistance to the COVID-19 virus just by adding liver to every meal. Lucinda O'Quinn, a home economist with Wisconsin AgriLife, has been collecting reports and compiling anecdotal evidence of the effectiveness of the treatment.

"We are hearing dramatic reports from people whose diets include an abundance of liver that they are at lower risk of acquiring the virus, and if they do, of recovering more quickly," she said.

Scientists are working to identify the active ingredient that attacks the virus. Meanwhile, diners still need to consume liver in its original form, an arduous task for many.

"Liver is definitely an acquired taste," O'Quinn said. "Our research shows that 98% of the population loathes the taste and texture of eating liver in any form."

Evidence is showing that liver prepared in any way is effective, including fried chicken livers and turkey livers with gizzards in dressing. However the most dramatic results are coming from calf liver sliced and fried with onions, as commonly served at in cafeterias and small-town lunchrooms.

"You just can't beat the effectiveness of a slab of fried liver smothered in onions, next to a pile of mashed potatoes and peas," she said as she prepared to go to lunch. "Further research is required."

That may be more difficult than she hopes, going by the reaction of people we approached.

"No way I'm touching liver," said one cafeteria diner. "I'd rather get the disease."

In related news, supermarkets are limiting purchases of raw calf liver to 20 pounds per customer.

Wednesday, January 1, 2020

Texas running out of names for wineries

The number of wineries in Texas has outstripped the list of good names, according to a surprise statement issued by the Texas State Comptroller’s Office last week.

“Wineries are springing up around the state in alarming numbers, and the list of possible names is dwindling,” said spokesperson Grady Rath.

The most popular names for wines have come from the nature world. According to Rath, these types of names inspire confidence in the product and take advantage of the pride Texans have in the Lone Star State.

“All the best natural names are already gone,” said Rath. “Oak, stone, rock, cactus, pine, anything to do with mountains or hills, and every river name has been used. That includes the animals–armadillos, mustangs, hawks and eagles, even jackasses have been tapped to lend their names and personalities to existing wines.”

Over the past decade, the popularity of Texas wines has led to a rapid expansion in the number of wineries, especially in the Hill Country area. That pace of growth is threatened as vintners scramble to lock down a name that will look good on a label, and be whimsical enough to stand out to the millions of visitors to the region.

“Yeah, you can’t go to market with a name like Screw Cap Cabernet or Stained Tooth Tempranillo,” said Drew Blanks, owner of Cattle Guard Winery. “Our typical client doesn’t really care what’s in the bottle, it’s the name of the wine that makes the sale.”

Rath is starting to see hints of the desperation in finding names by new owners.

“I already have applications on my desk from new owners wanting to name their wines after 16th century poets, classic TV game shows, and auto parts.”

In other news, the Texas Wine Association has announced an initiative to locate a winery within one mile of every Hill Country resident by 2025.