Sunday, September 18, 2011

Woman builds grottos to her 5 husbands

September 19, 2011 - Cleo Patrick has found a unique way to honor the five husbands she has lost over the past decade. The Frisco widow has built an elaborate rock grotto in memory of each one.

Five solid rock arches, planters, benches, and crosses dot the widow’s suburban backyard. Patrick just completed her latest structure, a limestone barbecue, in honor of her fifth husband.

“I just find it therapeutic to work out my frustrations and anger by digging holes, stacking stone, and slinging mud,” she said.

All of her husbands have disappeared under mysterious circumstances. While police have suspected foul play, they have not been able to turn up any evidence that would stand up in court.

“We’ve dug into Patrick’s past, but just can’t find anything that places her as a suspect,” said Detective Sander Adams, who was enjoying a hamburger hot off Patrick’s latest project. “It’s like they were just swallowed up by the earth.”

Shortly before the loss of her first husband, Patrick signed up for a “Building with Rock” course offered at her local community education center. After he disappeared one spring day, Patrick built her first project - a stone bench - utilizing the skills she learned there, with the help of her instructor, whom she later married.

“I find that a good marriage - like a good grotto - starts with a solid foundation,” Patrick said. “First you have to dig deep, then fill in the hole with several feet of cement. That way no old skeletons can come up; and no marriage can fall down.”

Patrick is currently engaged to Detective Adams, who is eager to help his new wife start on her latest project.

“She’s drawing up plans for a fish pond,” said Adams. “I’m hoping I can be a part of that project.”

Monday, September 12, 2011

Save Inn has earthquake

Sept 12, 2011 - Diners at a local restaurant in Kerrville got a real shake up on Tuesday when they heard a loud boom and felt the tables shaking. Some residents believed it was an explosion at the nearby gas station, but officials with the U.S. Geological Survey say, no, it was an earthquake that registered .6 on the Richter Scale.

“We were just finishing up the lunch special when we felt the table shake,” said Vic Hammit. “I just sat there, watching the salt shaker shift over about a quarter of an inch.”

Waitresses quickly restored calm and served everyone a free cup of peach cobbler.

USGS officials pinpointed the epicenter of the quake under the front steps of the popular restaurant. The incident was extremely localized, with no effects felt at nearby businesses.

With global warming and redistricting, experts predict more of these localized earthquakes. “You might be sitting in your Lazy Boy recliner, and feel a temblor, while your spouse on the couch would be unshaken,” said one official. “We’ve even seen cases where a mini-quake shakes up someone’s bowl of Cheerios while a bowl of oatmeal at the same table doesn’t even quiver.”

In other news, across town, diners on the patio at Francisco’s experienced a severe thunderstorm.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Texas couple calls for ban on straight marriage

Aug 13, 2011 - Texans Lester and Marie Hackberry have started a grassroots campaign calling on Congress to ban heterosexual marriage.

The Jasper couple, who have been married 42 years, have hired an attorney and begun contacting media outlets to promote their issue.

“We see the double standard in our culture,” said Lester. “Gay couples have enjoyed non-marriage forever; we believe us normal, God-fearing Americans should have that same right to live together without being under contract by the state.”

An attorney for the Hackberrys listed the benefits that accrue to gay couples.

“Look, they can live together without the commitment and fear that a legal, binding marriage certificate creates. When they get tired of each other, they don’t have to go through a lengthy and contentious divorce; they just go find another partner. They don’t have to have kids. They enjoy two incomes, and they agree on how to shop. What married couple wouldn’t love that setup?”

There has been a mixed reaction from the one local gay couple that lives in Jasper, who agreed to be interviewed without giving last names. “It just doesn’t seem fair,” said Herb. “I mean, the one institution we gay couples enjoy in this country is the right to not be married. It’s practically in the constitution, and definitely in the Baptist bible. Straight couples should just stick to their vows and not mess up things for the rest of us.”

Herb’s partner, Theodore, takes a different view. “I say, if straight people want to break the bonds of matrimony, who are we to stop them? Let them not eat cake.”

For Marie and Lester, the dream of non-marriage, while tempting, remains elusive. “I look at our gay neighbors, grilling on the deck, entertaining other couples, changing partners, not having to visit their sick spouses in the hospital, and I say, Why can’t we straight folks enjoy relationships like that? No, we are stuck ‘til death do us part.’ Modern marriage is slavery!”

In a related story, a white couple is lobbying to bring back slavery. “We’ve lost our jobs, our home is under water, and Slim’s Motor Sales repossessed our Jeep. At this point I’d pay to be somebody’s slave. At least we’d have a job, a place to sleep, and know where our next meal was coming from.”

Sunday, August 7, 2011

When Cactus Attacks

Aug 7, 2011 - The prolonged drought in the Southwest has produced another problem: Killer Cacti.

According to cactus experts, when water grows so scarce that even the drought-resistant cacti are threatened, they call on a rare evolutionary protective process known as “root mobility.”

“Certain cactus species are able to produce new roots on one side of the plant, then releasing the corresponding root on the opposite side,” said Allen Green, USDA Cactologist. “This in effect allows them to migrate - actually move - across the ground, seeking a new source of moisture.”

Unfortunately, this moisture is often contained inside the human body. While normally a human can easily outpace a crawling cactus, Green has documented cases of campers in the desert being attacked by thirsty cactus plants. While this has not resulted in any fatalities, victims retain scars where the cactus roots worked their way under the skin into the bladder.

“It isn’t pretty, and can be very uncomfortable.”

Green recommends not leaving children or the elderly outside on hot days, as they are especially at risk due to their relative immobility.

Cacti are notoriously hard to kill. It not as simple as hacking through the spines until you reach and sever the roots. If you toss aside a cactus pad - or nopalito - in a few days it will develop roots and start a new plant. Like the mythical hydra, chopping off a head just creates two new ones.

What do experts recommend?

“Well, we don’t have many choices,” Green said. “Either we get some rain, or consider moving inside the Arctic Circle. They don’t have cactus there, just rogue seals.”

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

More Americans illegally crossing into Mexico

August 3, 2011 - Federal agents have documented an increased number of illegal border crossings along the South Texas - Mexico border.

“Si,” said Agente Federal Jose Fernandez. “We are catching all these gringos trying to sneak into Mexico to find work.”

Federal agents surmise that due to the problems in the U.S. economy - debt ceilings, low value of the dollar, high unemployment - that American workers are now looking with envy on their Mexican counterparts.

One U.S. citizen who was being returned by Border Patrol agents north of the border confirmed this. “Yeah, I was tired of seeing these Mexican workers parading up and down my subdivision in their brand new F-150s, talking on their iPhones, and wearing their new leather custom made cowboy boots. I decided I want in on some of that peso action.”

Mirroring the decades long pattern of Mexican citizens crossing in the shadows, Americans are following the same route, only in reverse. A recent night patrol revealed dozens of northerners wading south across the Rio Grande.

“And with the drought, they are barely getting their feet wet, let alone their backs,” said Fernandez.

Mexican citizens are evenly split on this new southward flow. Some welcome the influx of those who are willing “to do the jobs we won’t do” such as selling insurance, designing software, and marketing consulting.

Others are increasingly impatient with the influx of American workers. “We have to order our lattes in English now,” said one Nuevo Laredo Starbucks customer. “If they want to come to Mexico, they need to speak Mexican.”

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Rapture takes local musician

May 21, 2011 - At 6:01 p.m. Central Daylight Time cowboy musician Doug Davis was taken up from this couch on his porch, where he had been sitting to watch events unfold. Friends soon gathered. Most often heard comment was, "Which way did he go?"
About a dozen of his most ardent fans expect him back in three days.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

ICE to use "velvet" deterrent for border security

May 15, 2011 - In a stunning development, the Obama administration has moved to bring out a more powerful weapon in the war to secure the U.S. southwest border.

Following President  Obama’s appearance and speech on immigration in El Paso, Immigration and Customs Enforcement Director John Morton declared his department will deploy “velvet rope” to head off U.S.-bound aliens.

“We know this may raise hackles among our southern allies, but the problem has gone beyond control by conventional methods,” Morton said. “Walls, weapons, and more border agents are proving ineffective. It is time to show Mexico and the world we are serious about controlling our borders.”

As proof of the power of velvet rope, Morton pointed out that it is the same caliber of rope used in Driver’s License offices and airports across the country. “Have you ever seen anyone dare to cut through that velvet maze? It just can’t be done.”

An added advantage is that installing rope goes much faster than building 18-foot concrete and steel walls. Workers have already begun stringing rope between pylons in the Brownsville to Laredo sector. Work should be completed by fall.

To fund the installation, employees stationed at “unhooking” points will assess a “cover charge” for entering the U.S.

In a related development, Secret Service agents are experimenting with replacing concrete barriers surrounding the White House with orange traffic cones.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Kerrville lake gets new name

April 25, 2010 - Kerrville city council has voted on a proposal put forward by councilman Scott Gross to christen the body of water that lies in the heart of downtown Kerrville with a more appealing name.

The popular lake is a result of the Upper Guadalupe River Authority damn, hence it is known as UGRA Lake, pronounced “Ugra Lake.”

“That is only a short way from ‘ugly’ lake,” said Gross, who is also a marketing expert. “We needed a name that presents a more positive image to citizens and visitors.

The area will now be known as “Gross Lake.”

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Police uncover journalist sweatshop

March 15, 2011 - Sheriff’s deputies in Bandera County have uncovered a newspaper “sweatshop” operating just over the Kerr County line.

Last week officers received an anonymous tip that recent journalism school graduates were being lured to the hill country on the promise of winning a Pulitzer prize, when in reality they were forced to write articles for a chain of local newspapers.

“It was horrible,” said one victim who did not want to reveal her identity. “They forced us to report on city council meetings, write articles about benefit barbecues, and even take photo after photo of stock show winners! Nothing in J-school could have prepared us for that trauma!”

Social workers descended on the nondescript building to calm the abductees and take statements. According to reports, they found nearly unbearable conditions. Among the issues were flickering florescent lights, uncomfortable chairs, non-ergonomic keyboards and computer screens with glare. “I wouldn’t let an eight grade typing class meet in this place,” said one agent. “And they were expected to work 60 hours a week and turn out a new issue every Wednesday. I hope someone pays for this.”

Another reporter spoke about the low pay. “I worked two straight weeks, including weekends and overtime,” he said. “My paycheck? $800. That is barely minimum wage. And I have a four-year degree from a state university. I could make more money teaching.”

State investigators are considering pursuing charges against the owners, who at press time have yet to be located.

Authorities expect to find similar sweatshops across the state as newspaper circulation dwindles and students choose more lucrative professions. For a recent graduate, these offers are tempting when faced with unappealing options of school PR or Social Networking Consultant.

“We grew up hearing about Woodward and Bernstein and dreaming of carving out our own reputations in the newspaper business,” one victim said. “When a publisher comes along and offers you the chance to write articles for a living, you have to jump at it.”

Victims were transported to an area hospital where they were treated for paper cuts, neck strain, and nearsightedness.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Fredericksburg proposes Dirt Park

March 15, 2011 - In response to a petition being circulated by Fredericksburg residents protesting the proposed “water park” facility, the Fredericksburg City Council has come up with a new plan: a “dirt park.”

According to Dirt Industries Group (DIG), the soil-based recreational facility will create the same “play value” at a fraction of the cost of a water-based installation.

“What kid doesn’t enjoy playing in the dirt?” said Syl E. Conn, CEO of Dirt, Inc. “We deliver that universal level of play at an economical price.”

According to the Dirt engineers, a typical installation consists of Dirt Mountain - a pile of dirt; Dirt Hill - a smaller pile of dirt; and Mud Valley - a dirt and water filled depression. Children are able to slide down the piles of dirt, or make “mud pies” in Mud Valley. An optional feature is Dust Valley - a pile of sand and loose debris that is swirled with random blasts of hot air.

“Research shows that the play value of dirt is about 75% of the play value of water. But maintaining a dirt-based recreational area incurs only about 1% of the cost of a swimming pool/water park. So it is easy to see the logic of going down the dirt road.”

The council expects to put the proposal to a vote at the next scheduled meeting. Once the proposal passes, the City will solicit bids from area dirt purveyors. Once a vendor is selected, the Dirt Park could be installed “in about a day,” according to the city manager.

“Shoot, we’d just back up the truck and dump a couple of piles of soil,” he said. “That shouldn’t be too much trouble at all.”

Assuming the Dirt Park will be a success, city planners are already looking at installing a complementary Rock Park. “If there is one thing we have more of than dirt around here, it would be rocks,” one official said.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Congressional detritus arrives in Kerrville

by NotNewz contributor Mr. Nick Bottom, Weaver

Kerrville, Feb 15, 2011 - A specially-designed 18-wheel truck arrived in Kerrville this morning, bringing treasures and information from the Library of Congress as part of its tour to cities and towns across America. Beginning in September 2010, the "Gateway to Knowledge" rolling exhibition is visiting up to 60 sites in states across the Midwest and South.
The truck, staffed and driven by two docents well-versed in the Library and its collections.
Some of the items found in the display include:
  • Martha Washington's teeth. George Washington's teeth are a fairly passé historical relic. But have you ever seen Martha's? Make sure to ask to see the grill she wore for special occasions.
  •  A jelly bean rejected by Ronald Reagan. This bean, momentarily tasted by our 40th president, was found to be too "liberal." ("Tastes like public broadcasting," the Gipper is reported to have said.
  • Correspondence between Winnie-the-Pooh and Smokey the Bear. See for yourself the misery endured by these two ursine symbols, and the comfort they found in their long friendship.
  • A rock. Unknown origin or significance.
  • Aaron Copeland's kazoo. A fine example of German engineering, this Berlitz kazoo is tuned to the key of F flat.
  • A plinth made of granite.
  • An early Walt Disney cartoon is shown on the half hour in the sunken theater located in the traveling display's basement. Some scholars suggest the cartoon, entitled "Spiderman" suggests Disney is the creator of Betty Boop and Dagwood and Blondie.
  • A walking cane made of peppermint candy.
And of course hundreds of other historical objects, some of them genuine, but all hauled across the country at great expense.
Admission is free, since each American has already paid a $17 entrance fee on last year's taxes.