Texas couple calls for ban on straight marriage

Aug 13, 2011 - Texans Lester and Marie Hackberry have started a grassroots campaign calling on Congress to ban heterosexual marriage.

The Jasper couple, who have been married 42 years, have hired an attorney and begun contacting media outlets to promote their issue.

“We see the double standard in our culture,” said Lester. “Gay couples have enjoyed non-marriage forever; we believe us normal, God-fearing Americans should have that same right to live together without being under contract by the state.”

An attorney for the Hackberrys listed the benefits that accrue to gay couples.

“Look, they can live together without the commitment and fear that a legal, binding marriage certificate creates. When they get tired of each other, they don’t have to go through a lengthy and contentious divorce; they just go find another partner. They don’t have to have kids. They enjoy two incomes, and they agree on how to shop. What married couple wouldn’t love that setup?”

There has been a mixed reaction from the one local gay couple that lives in Jasper, who agreed to be interviewed without giving last names. “It just doesn’t seem fair,” said Herb. “I mean, the one institution we gay couples enjoy in this country is the right to not be married. It’s practically in the constitution, and definitely in the Baptist bible. Straight couples should just stick to their vows and not mess up things for the rest of us.”

Herb’s partner, Theodore, takes a different view. “I say, if straight people want to break the bonds of matrimony, who are we to stop them? Let them not eat cake.”

For Marie and Lester, the dream of non-marriage, while tempting, remains elusive. “I look at our gay neighbors, grilling on the deck, entertaining other couples, changing partners, not having to visit their sick spouses in the hospital, and I say, Why can’t we straight folks enjoy relationships like that? No, we are stuck ‘til death do us part.’ Modern marriage is slavery!”

In a related story, a white couple is lobbying to bring back slavery. “We’ve lost our jobs, our home is under water, and Slim’s Motor Sales repossessed our Jeep. At this point I’d pay to be somebody’s slave. At least we’d have a job, a place to sleep, and know where our next meal was coming from.”

Ministerial Alliance backs gay marriage

August 5, 2010 - In an unexpected move, the Greater Guadalupe Ministerial Alliance has come out in support of the California judge that reversed the proposition banning gay marriage.

Minister Will B. Dunne read the statement in front of the U-Store-It unit used as the meeting place of the Unitarian Universalists. “In brotherhood with all those seeking more positive relationships in their work and in their lives, we stand behind everyone who supports gayer marriages.”

Dunne went on to say, “You really have to get behind the people pushing this movement. When you see the suffering and sadness rampant in the world today, how can anyone be opposed to more gaiety and spontaneity in any relationship? Seeking a spouse is like finding an employee: you can always teach aptitude, but you marry attitude.”

In addition to gayfulness, the letter also called for marriages to exhibit more joyfulness, cheerfulness, and lightheartedness.

“If I could wave a magic wand like Harry Potter," said the minister, "I would make each and every one of us more gay. That simple attitude adjustment would ensure the future of the human race will be brighter and more positive.”

In other news, the Texas Music Educators Association has voted to remove the word “ritard” from all sheet music.