More Americans illegally crossing into Mexico

August 3, 2011 - Federal agents have documented an increased number of illegal border crossings along the South Texas - Mexico border.

“Si,” said Agente Federal Jose Fernandez. “We are catching all these gringos trying to sneak into Mexico to find work.”

Federal agents surmise that due to the problems in the U.S. economy - debt ceilings, low value of the dollar, high unemployment - that American workers are now looking with envy on their Mexican counterparts.

One U.S. citizen who was being returned by Border Patrol agents north of the border confirmed this. “Yeah, I was tired of seeing these Mexican workers parading up and down my subdivision in their brand new F-150s, talking on their iPhones, and wearing their new leather custom made cowboy boots. I decided I want in on some of that peso action.”

Mirroring the decades long pattern of Mexican citizens crossing in the shadows, Americans are following the same route, only in reverse. A recent night patrol revealed dozens of northerners wading south across the Rio Grande.

“And with the drought, they are barely getting their feet wet, let alone their backs,” said Fernandez.

Mexican citizens are evenly split on this new southward flow. Some welcome the influx of those who are willing “to do the jobs we won’t do” such as selling insurance, designing software, and marketing consulting.

Others are increasingly impatient with the influx of American workers. “We have to order our lattes in English now,” said one Nuevo Laredo Starbucks customer. “If they want to come to Mexico, they need to speak Mexican.”

ICE to use "velvet" deterrent for border security

May 15, 2011 - In a stunning development, the Obama administration has moved to bring out a more powerful weapon in the war to secure the U.S. southwest border.

Following President  Obama’s appearance and speech on immigration in El Paso, Immigration and Customs Enforcement Director John Morton declared his department will deploy “velvet rope” to head off U.S.-bound aliens.

“We know this may raise hackles among our southern allies, but the problem has gone beyond control by conventional methods,” Morton said. “Walls, weapons, and more border agents are proving ineffective. It is time to show Mexico and the world we are serious about controlling our borders.”

As proof of the power of velvet rope, Morton pointed out that it is the same caliber of rope used in Driver’s License offices and airports across the country. “Have you ever seen anyone dare to cut through that velvet maze? It just can’t be done.”

An added advantage is that installing rope goes much faster than building 18-foot concrete and steel walls. Workers have already begun stringing rope between pylons in the Brownsville to Laredo sector. Work should be completed by fall.

To fund the installation, employees stationed at “unhooking” points will assess a “cover charge” for entering the U.S.

In a related development, Secret Service agents are experimenting with replacing concrete barriers surrounding the White House with orange traffic cones.

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