ICE to use "velvet" deterrent for border security

May 15, 2011 - In a stunning development, the Obama administration has moved to bring out a more powerful weapon in the war to secure the U.S. southwest border.

Following President  Obama’s appearance and speech on immigration in El Paso, Immigration and Customs Enforcement Director John Morton declared his department will deploy “velvet rope” to head off U.S.-bound aliens.

“We know this may raise hackles among our southern allies, but the problem has gone beyond control by conventional methods,” Morton said. “Walls, weapons, and more border agents are proving ineffective. It is time to show Mexico and the world we are serious about controlling our borders.”

As proof of the power of velvet rope, Morton pointed out that it is the same caliber of rope used in Driver’s License offices and airports across the country. “Have you ever seen anyone dare to cut through that velvet maze? It just can’t be done.”

An added advantage is that installing rope goes much faster than building 18-foot concrete and steel walls. Workers have already begun stringing rope between pylons in the Brownsville to Laredo sector. Work should be completed by fall.

To fund the installation, employees stationed at “unhooking” points will assess a “cover charge” for entering the U.S.

In a related development, Secret Service agents are experimenting with replacing concrete barriers surrounding the White House with orange traffic cones.

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Kerrville lake gets new name

April 25, 2010 - Kerrville city council has voted on a proposal put forward by councilman Scott Gross to christen the body of water that lies in the heart of downtown Kerrville with a more appealing name.

The popular lake is a result of the Upper Guadalupe River Authority damn, hence it is known as UGRA Lake, pronounced “Ugra Lake.”

“That is only a short way from ‘ugly’ lake,” said Gross, who is also a marketing expert. “We needed a name that presents a more positive image to citizens and visitors.

The area will now be known as “Gross Lake.”

Police uncover journalist sweatshop

March 15, 2011 - Sheriff’s deputies in Bandera County have uncovered a newspaper “sweatshop” operating just over the Kerr County line.

Last week officers received an anonymous tip that recent journalism school graduates were being lured to the hill country on the promise of winning a Pulitzer prize, when in reality they were forced to write articles for a chain of local newspapers.

“It was horrible,” said one victim who did not want to reveal her identity. “They forced us to report on city council meetings, write articles about benefit barbecues, and even take photo after photo of stock show winners! Nothing in J-school could have prepared us for that trauma!”

Social workers descended on the nondescript building to calm the abductees and take statements. According to reports, they found nearly unbearable conditions. Among the issues were flickering florescent lights, uncomfortable chairs, non-ergonomic keyboards and computer screens with glare. “I wouldn’t let an eight grade typing class meet in this place,” said one agent. “And they were expected to work 60 hours a week and turn out a new issue every Wednesday. I hope someone pays for this.”

Another reporter spoke about the low pay. “I worked two straight weeks, including weekends and overtime,” he said. “My paycheck? $800. That is barely minimum wage. And I have a four-year degree from a state university. I could make more money teaching.”

State investigators are considering pursuing charges against the owners, who at press time have yet to be located.

Authorities expect to find similar sweatshops across the state as newspaper circulation dwindles and students choose more lucrative professions. For a recent graduate, these offers are tempting when faced with unappealing options of school PR or Social Networking Consultant.

“We grew up hearing about Woodward and Bernstein and dreaming of carving out our own reputations in the newspaper business,” one victim said. “When a publisher comes along and offers you the chance to write articles for a living, you have to jump at it.”

Victims were transported to an area hospital where they were treated for paper cuts, neck strain, and nearsightedness.

Fredericksburg proposes Dirt Park

March 15, 2011 - In response to a petition being circulated by Fredericksburg residents protesting the proposed “water park” facility, the Fredericksburg City Council has come up with a new plan: a “dirt park.”

According to Dirt Industries Group (DIG), the soil-based recreational facility will create the same “play value” at a fraction of the cost of a water-based installation.

“What kid doesn’t enjoy playing in the dirt?” said Syl E. Conn, CEO of Dirt, Inc. “We deliver that universal level of play at an economical price.”

According to the Dirt engineers, a typical installation consists of Dirt Mountain - a pile of dirt; Dirt Hill - a smaller pile of dirt; and Mud Valley - a dirt and water filled depression. Children are able to slide down the piles of dirt, or make “mud pies” in Mud Valley. An optional feature is Dust Valley - a pile of sand and loose debris that is swirled with random blasts of hot air.

“Research shows that the play value of dirt is about 75% of the play value of water. But maintaining a dirt-based recreational area incurs only about 1% of the cost of a swimming pool/water park. So it is easy to see the logic of going down the dirt road.”

The council expects to put the proposal to a vote at the next scheduled meeting. Once the proposal passes, the City will solicit bids from area dirt purveyors. Once a vendor is selected, the Dirt Park could be installed “in about a day,” according to the city manager.

“Shoot, we’d just back up the truck and dump a couple of piles of soil,” he said. “That shouldn’t be too much trouble at all.”

Assuming the Dirt Park will be a success, city planners are already looking at installing a complementary Rock Park. “If there is one thing we have more of than dirt around here, it would be rocks,” one official said.

Congressional detritus arrives in Kerrville

by NotNewz contributor Mr. Nick Bottom, Weaver

Kerrville, Feb 15, 2011 - A specially-designed 18-wheel truck arrived in Kerrville this morning, bringing treasures and information from the Library of Congress as part of its tour to cities and towns across America. Beginning in September 2010, the "Gateway to Knowledge" rolling exhibition is visiting up to 60 sites in states across the Midwest and South.
The truck, staffed and driven by two docents well-versed in the Library and its collections.
Some of the items found in the display include:

• Martha Washington's teeth. George Washington's teeth are a fairly passé historical relic. But have you ever seen Martha's? Make sure to ask to see the grill she wore for special occasions.
•  A jelly bean rejected by Ronald Reagan. This bean, momentarily tasted by our 40th president, was found to be too "liberal." ("Tastes like public broadcasting," the Gipper is reported to have said.
• Correspondence between Winnie-the-Pooh and Smokey the Bear. See for yourself the misery endured by these two ursine symbols, and the comfort they found in their long friendship.
• A rock. Unknown origin or significance.
• Aaron Copeland's kazoo. A fine example of German engineering, this Berlitz kazoo is tuned to the key of F flat.
• A plinth made of granite.
• An early Walt Disney cartoon is shown on the half hour in the sunken theater located in the traveling display's basement. Some scholars suggest the cartoon, entitled "Spiderman" suggests Disney is the creator of Betty Boop and Dagwood and Blondie.
• A walking cane made of peppermint candy.

And of course hundreds of other historical objects, some of them genuine, but all hauled across the country at great expense.
Admission is free, since each American has already paid a $17 entrance fee on last year's taxes.

TXDOT to consider light rail roller coasters

Jan 1, 2011 - A San Antonio inventor has come up with a new plan to get more Texans on board for the commuter light rail proposal linking major Texas cities. The idea came to Sam Penway while he was attending the Kendall County fair last fall.

“I was watching all those people lined up to get on the carnival rides,” he said. “I got to thinking about what gets people excited about getting on a train. The answer is nothing. That’s when I figured out the idea for light rail: a roller coaster.”

The backyard tinkerer went to work and has spent the past year putting together a prototype to show the Texas Department of Transportation at upcoming hearings.

“It’s nothing real fancy,” he explained. “I just ran some rail around my sheds, and put in a few loops just to show them what it could do.”

TXDOT has already acquired right-of-way for a rail line between San Antonio and New Braunfels. Penway is hoping they will use that to install his “Blue Flash” coaster.

“Once folks get in and remember how much fun it is to ride again, I think we’ll see these spread across the state.”

TXDOT officials have not commented on Penway’s proposal, although observers noted the department has added several former carnival workers to its staff.

Pentagon enlists entertainers to win war

Dec 20, 2010 - The State Department has announced that Hollywood entertainers will lead the next “surge” into Afghanistan as a strategy to wrap up that 8-year conflict. On Sunday, President Obama will sign an executive order reinstituting the draft for “actors, musicians, poets, and comedians.”

The new strategy grew from an internal study reviewing the effectiveness of the Pentagon’s war strategy, according to a Department spokesman.

“We realized that some of our most effective weapons in the fight against terror are entertainers. They exhibit every tactic we espouse - clear goals, targeted strikes, efficient use of resources, and immediate withdrawal.”

The Pentagon is moving swiftly to audition artists and supply them with appropriate material.

“We are mostly looking for comics right now,” said the spokesperson. “It is really hard to find anything funny in this war, but we know someone is out there right now writing jokes and scathing commentary. The Taliban just cannot stand up to that type of witty repartee.”

While the goal is withdrawal by August of 2011, officials hope they can move that date up with “the right off-Broadway production.” Reporters have learned that Cabinet officials have also discussed a secret weapon. There are few details, but one leak mentioned that it involved “a medley of show tunes.”

“Kate Smith and Bob Hope helped win World War II. We are confident Chris Rock and Bill Maher can rise to this challenge and get us out of Afghanistan.”

In related news, the Screen Actors Guild is reporting an unexpected drop in membership.