When Cactus Attacks

Aug 7, 2011 - The prolonged drought in the Southwest has produced another problem: Killer Cacti.

According to cactus experts, when water grows so scarce that even the drought-resistant cacti are threatened, they call on a rare evolutionary protective process known as “root mobility.”

“Certain cactus species are able to produce new roots on one side of the plant, then releasing the corresponding root on the opposite side,” said Allen Green, USDA Cactologist. “This in effect allows them to migrate - actually move - across the ground, seeking a new source of moisture.”

Unfortunately, this moisture is often contained inside the human body. While normally a human can easily outpace a crawling cactus, Green has documented cases of campers in the desert being attacked by thirsty cactus plants. While this has not resulted in any fatalities, victims retain scars where the cactus roots worked their way under the skin into the bladder.

“It isn’t pretty, and can be very uncomfortable.”

Green recommends not leaving children or the elderly outside on hot days, as they are especially at risk due to their relative immobility.

Cacti are notoriously hard to kill. It not as simple as hacking through the spines until you reach and sever the roots. If you toss aside a cactus pad - or nopalito - in a few days it will develop roots and start a new plant. Like the mythical hydra, chopping off a head just creates two new ones.

What do experts recommend?

“Well, we don’t have many choices,” Green said. “Either we get some rain, or consider moving inside the Arctic Circle. They don’t have cactus there, just rogue seals.”

More Americans illegally crossing into Mexico

August 3, 2011 - Federal agents have documented an increased number of illegal border crossings along the South Texas - Mexico border.

“Si,” said Agente Federal Jose Fernandez. “We are catching all these gringos trying to sneak into Mexico to find work.”

Federal agents surmise that due to the problems in the U.S. economy - debt ceilings, low value of the dollar, high unemployment - that American workers are now looking with envy on their Mexican counterparts.

One U.S. citizen who was being returned by Border Patrol agents north of the border confirmed this. “Yeah, I was tired of seeing these Mexican workers parading up and down my subdivision in their brand new F-150s, talking on their iPhones, and wearing their new leather custom made cowboy boots. I decided I want in on some of that peso action.”

Mirroring the decades long pattern of Mexican citizens crossing in the shadows, Americans are following the same route, only in reverse. A recent night patrol revealed dozens of northerners wading south across the Rio Grande.

“And with the drought, they are barely getting their feet wet, let alone their backs,” said Fernandez.

Mexican citizens are evenly split on this new southward flow. Some welcome the influx of those who are willing “to do the jobs we won’t do” such as selling insurance, designing software, and marketing consulting.

Others are increasingly impatient with the influx of American workers. “We have to order our lattes in English now,” said one Nuevo Laredo Starbucks customer. “If they want to come to Mexico, they need to speak Mexican.”

Rapture takes local musician

May 21, 2011 - At 6:01 p.m. Central Daylight Time cowboy musician Doug Davis was taken up from this couch on his porch, where he had been sitting to watch events unfold. Friends soon gathered. Most often heard comment was, "Which way did he go?"
About a dozen of his most ardent fans expect him back in three days.

ICE to use "velvet" deterrent for border security

May 15, 2011 - In a stunning development, the Obama administration has moved to bring out a more powerful weapon in the war to secure the U.S. southwest border.

Following President  Obama’s appearance and speech on immigration in El Paso, Immigration and Customs Enforcement Director John Morton declared his department will deploy “velvet rope” to head off U.S.-bound aliens.

“We know this may raise hackles among our southern allies, but the problem has gone beyond control by conventional methods,” Morton said. “Walls, weapons, and more border agents are proving ineffective. It is time to show Mexico and the world we are serious about controlling our borders.”

As proof of the power of velvet rope, Morton pointed out that it is the same caliber of rope used in Driver’s License offices and airports across the country. “Have you ever seen anyone dare to cut through that velvet maze? It just can’t be done.”

An added advantage is that installing rope goes much faster than building 18-foot concrete and steel walls. Workers have already begun stringing rope between pylons in the Brownsville to Laredo sector. Work should be completed by fall.

To fund the installation, employees stationed at “unhooking” points will assess a “cover charge” for entering the U.S.

In a related development, Secret Service agents are experimenting with replacing concrete barriers surrounding the White House with orange traffic cones.

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Kerrville lake gets new name

April 25, 2010 - Kerrville city council has voted on a proposal put forward by councilman Scott Gross to christen the body of water that lies in the heart of downtown Kerrville with a more appealing name.

The popular lake is a result of the Upper Guadalupe River Authority damn, hence it is known as UGRA Lake, pronounced “Ugra Lake.”

“That is only a short way from ‘ugly’ lake,” said Gross, who is also a marketing expert. “We needed a name that presents a more positive image to citizens and visitors.

The area will now be known as “Gross Lake.”

Police uncover journalist sweatshop

March 15, 2011 - Sheriff’s deputies in Bandera County have uncovered a newspaper “sweatshop” operating just over the Kerr County line.

Last week officers received an anonymous tip that recent journalism school graduates were being lured to the hill country on the promise of winning a Pulitzer prize, when in reality they were forced to write articles for a chain of local newspapers.

“It was horrible,” said one victim who did not want to reveal her identity. “They forced us to report on city council meetings, write articles about benefit barbecues, and even take photo after photo of stock show winners! Nothing in J-school could have prepared us for that trauma!”

Social workers descended on the nondescript building to calm the abductees and take statements. According to reports, they found nearly unbearable conditions. Among the issues were flickering florescent lights, uncomfortable chairs, non-ergonomic keyboards and computer screens with glare. “I wouldn’t let an eight grade typing class meet in this place,” said one agent. “And they were expected to work 60 hours a week and turn out a new issue every Wednesday. I hope someone pays for this.”

Another reporter spoke about the low pay. “I worked two straight weeks, including weekends and overtime,” he said. “My paycheck? $800. That is barely minimum wage. And I have a four-year degree from a state university. I could make more money teaching.”

State investigators are considering pursuing charges against the owners, who at press time have yet to be located.

Authorities expect to find similar sweatshops across the state as newspaper circulation dwindles and students choose more lucrative professions. For a recent graduate, these offers are tempting when faced with unappealing options of school PR or Social Networking Consultant.

“We grew up hearing about Woodward and Bernstein and dreaming of carving out our own reputations in the newspaper business,” one victim said. “When a publisher comes along and offers you the chance to write articles for a living, you have to jump at it.”

Victims were transported to an area hospital where they were treated for paper cuts, neck strain, and nearsightedness.

Fredericksburg proposes Dirt Park

March 15, 2011 - In response to a petition being circulated by Fredericksburg residents protesting the proposed “water park” facility, the Fredericksburg City Council has come up with a new plan: a “dirt park.”

According to Dirt Industries Group (DIG), the soil-based recreational facility will create the same “play value” at a fraction of the cost of a water-based installation.

“What kid doesn’t enjoy playing in the dirt?” said Syl E. Conn, CEO of Dirt, Inc. “We deliver that universal level of play at an economical price.”

According to the Dirt engineers, a typical installation consists of Dirt Mountain - a pile of dirt; Dirt Hill - a smaller pile of dirt; and Mud Valley - a dirt and water filled depression. Children are able to slide down the piles of dirt, or make “mud pies” in Mud Valley. An optional feature is Dust Valley - a pile of sand and loose debris that is swirled with random blasts of hot air.

“Research shows that the play value of dirt is about 75% of the play value of water. But maintaining a dirt-based recreational area incurs only about 1% of the cost of a swimming pool/water park. So it is easy to see the logic of going down the dirt road.”

The council expects to put the proposal to a vote at the next scheduled meeting. Once the proposal passes, the City will solicit bids from area dirt purveyors. Once a vendor is selected, the Dirt Park could be installed “in about a day,” according to the city manager.

“Shoot, we’d just back up the truck and dump a couple of piles of soil,” he said. “That shouldn’t be too much trouble at all.”

Assuming the Dirt Park will be a success, city planners are already looking at installing a complementary Rock Park. “If there is one thing we have more of than dirt around here, it would be rocks,” one official said.