TXDOT to consider light rail roller coasters

Jan 1, 2011 - A San Antonio inventor has come up with a new plan to get more Texans on board for the commuter light rail proposal linking major Texas cities. The idea came to Sam Penway while he was attending the Kendall County fair last fall.

“I was watching all those people lined up to get on the carnival rides,” he said. “I got to thinking about what gets people excited about getting on a train. The answer is nothing. That’s when I figured out the idea for light rail: a roller coaster.”

The backyard tinkerer went to work and has spent the past year putting together a prototype to show the Texas Department of Transportation at upcoming hearings.

“It’s nothing real fancy,” he explained. “I just ran some rail around my sheds, and put in a few loops just to show them what it could do.”

TXDOT has already acquired right-of-way for a rail line between San Antonio and New Braunfels. Penway is hoping they will use that to install his “Blue Flash” coaster.

“Once folks get in and remember how much fun it is to ride again, I think we’ll see these spread across the state.”

TXDOT officials have not commented on Penway’s proposal, although observers noted the department has added several former carnival workers to its staff.

Pentagon enlists entertainers to win war

Dec 20, 2010 - The State Department has announced that Hollywood entertainers will lead the next “surge” into Afghanistan as a strategy to wrap up that 8-year conflict. On Sunday, President Obama will sign an executive order reinstituting the draft for “actors, musicians, poets, and comedians.”

The new strategy grew from an internal study reviewing the effectiveness of the Pentagon’s war strategy, according to a Department spokesman.

“We realized that some of our most effective weapons in the fight against terror are entertainers. They exhibit every tactic we espouse - clear goals, targeted strikes, efficient use of resources, and immediate withdrawal.”

The Pentagon is moving swiftly to audition artists and supply them with appropriate material.

“We are mostly looking for comics right now,” said the spokesperson. “It is really hard to find anything funny in this war, but we know someone is out there right now writing jokes and scathing commentary. The Taliban just cannot stand up to that type of witty repartee.”

While the goal is withdrawal by August of 2011, officials hope they can move that date up with “the right off-Broadway production.” Reporters have learned that Cabinet officials have also discussed a secret weapon. There are few details, but one leak mentioned that it involved “a medley of show tunes.”

“Kate Smith and Bob Hope helped win World War II. We are confident Chris Rock and Bill Maher can rise to this challenge and get us out of Afghanistan.”

In related news, the Screen Actors Guild is reporting an unexpected drop in membership.

Kroc Center drive-thru confusion

Oct 22, 2010 - Folks are flocking to Kerrville’s new Kroc Center this weekend, but sometimes for the wrong reason.

“We’ve had quite a few people turning in to our parking lot looking for the drive-thru window,” said Captain Mariner, director of the new multi-million dollar facility. “For some reason, people think we are serving burgers and fries.”

With the heightened interest from the public in seeing the facility during the grand opening weekend, adding such a facility may not be a bad idea.

“I wish we had a restaurant... we could have sold a clown car full of Big Macs and Quarter Pounders,” he said. “We might have to look at adding a deep fryer or two as part of our ongoing funding strategy.”

One thing sure is that people who pack on the pounds with fast food will have a state-of-the-art facility to work it off. The pool has been filled with brightly colored plastic balls, and fitness fanatics can crawl through almost a mile of plastic tubes that remind observers of hamster habitrails.

In a related development, Mariner dismissed rumors of a “clown like” figure that has been seen lurking outside the chain link fence, despite maintenance reports of “very large” footprints in the fields surrounding the new facility.

“We want to assure our new patrons that the Kroc Center is completely safe and secure,” Mariner said. “Anyone who believes otherwise is McStaken.”

Committee proposes new function for Schreiner Mansion

Sept 25, 2010 - The Committee studying uses for the Charles Schreiner mansion on Earl Garrett Street in downtown Kerrville has proposed repurposing the historic landmark into a brothel.

The proposal caused spirited discussion among committee members. Proponents listed the benefits of starting a brothel:

- increased foot traffic downtown
- needed employment for entry-level workers
- boost in sin tax revenues

“A brothel would also cater to the large retiree population in town,” said a local physician. “This age group would benefit most from the increased exercise.”

Those opposed to the idea questioned the expense of converting the 100-year-old structure. Supporters noted there would be minimal remodeling required. “The decor in the mansion kind of looks like a whorehouse already,” a committee member said.

Advocates also pledged to pursue economic stimulus funding. “If this project isn’t stimulating, I don’t know what would be,” said one supporter.

Word of the new mission for the mansion has already led to an increase in economic activity, as several pharmacies are reportedly vying to lease retail space across the street.

Jump to the Rubble

Sept 20, 2010 - Dreamers and hooligans took advantage of clear weather and a 60-foot drop into piles of rebar and concrete this weekend for the First Annual Red Bull Flugtag “Jump To The Rubble” event at the former site of Sid Peterson hospital in downtown Kerrville.

“Flugtag” means “flying day” in German. The challenge is to construct a homemade, human-powered “flying” machine and run them off a raised deck in hopes of achieving something resembling actual flight. Contestants are judged on distance flown, creativity, and showmanship.

The twist to the local event is that normal Flugtag “pilots” jump from 30-foot platforms into water. The Rubble Jump participants leaped from the garage overpass twice that high and landed in a pile of twisted steel, crushed cinder blocks, used syringes, and radioactive waste left over from the hospital.

About a dozen teams gathered Sunday morning to sign up for the attempt, but upon seeing the setup, only two stayed to jump.

Both teams crashed horribly, with Team Berzerk named the winner based on fewer number of injuries. Team members were unavailable for comment, but a hospital spokesman said they were expected to be out of ICU by midweek.

“The ironic thing is that they might have avoided some of the trauma if the hospital had been closer to the jump site,” the spokesman said.

The good news was that the winning team set a distance record of 60 feet.

Tea Party turns into brawl

Sept 11, 2010 - Afternoon tea time turned into a brawl at Queen B's English Tea Room and Antiques in Ingram yesterday as liberal and conservative protestors clashed on the manicured lawn.

Ingram police reports said the dust up was a result of misunderstanding about the term “Tea Party.”

“Apparently the Tea Room owners mailed out invitations to the community to come to a special Tea Party in commemoration of September 11,” a spokesman said.

The owners confirmed the story. “We had no idea that people around here would think this was some kind of political rally. We were serving tea and crumpets, not red meat!" tea room owners said. “The worst part was that none of the party crashers even bothered to RSVP.”

Protestors on both sides of the political divide hurled insults and debris at each other. Several signs depicted the president as a Nazi, while others freely displayed dangling tea bags.

“This is just horrible, just awful,” said a tearful Belinda Casper, who was trying to order a tuna salad sandwich for her and her daughter, Kaitlin. “I just wanted to expose my daughter to some high culture, and now I’m having to explain to her there is more than one meaning of ‘tea bag.’”

When questioned, several of the party crashers refused to back down or apologize for their behavior. “We all know what those redneck neanderthals mean when they say ‘tea party,’” said a university professor who refused to give his name.

A spokesman for the conservative faction was also unapologetic. “We’re not fooled by some fancy British pretense,” he said. “Like there really is a British dish called ‘spotted dick.’”

By evening, local police had restored order and dispersed the crowd. Bystanders reported overhearing protestors discussing heading to Playhouse 2000, where Alice in Wonderland is opening.

“We understand there is another Tea Party planned inside the Cailloux Theater tonight,” a parting protestor said. “We are going to show we’re not going to stand for this type of ignorance and misinformation in our community.”

First SitzenFest Coming To Fredericksburg

September 6, 2010 - Sedentary individuals of all ages and shapes will discover a sport especially suited to them at the First Annual Fredericksburg SitzenFest, coming to MarktPlatz on October 17, 2010.

Participants are invited to spend the day sitting in chairs arrayed on the grounds.

“Over the years we’ve noticed the success of VolksSporting where people just walk around,” Ima Biggenbotham, event chairperson, explained. “When we heard they actually had clubs and were getting medals for strolling, we wanted in on the inaction.”

The SitzenFest is sanctioned by American SitzenSport, with points awarded per hour of immobility. A special award will be given to the person traveling the shortest distance.

Beckman Furniture has agreed to provide a limited number of repossessed recliners for the inaugural event. Chairs will be available for seating on a first come, first seated basis - no seats will be held.

Music will be provided by Fredericksburg’s own “We’d Rather Not Be Marching Band.”

“We don’t play fast songs, or slow songs,” a band spokesman said. “People refer to our music as ‘half-fast.’”

Hamburgers, hot dogs, and an array of bun-friendly meats will be offered for sale.

If successful, organizers may make the SitzenFest an annual event. “Most of us do this every weekend, anyway,” Biggenbotham said.

The event is supported in part with a grant from the Butt Foundation. A portion of the gross is earmarked for the establishment of an Endowed Chair for On-Line Studies at the Texas Tech Hill Country campus (“Get Smart Without Getting Up”).

More information is available by emailing ima@ass.org.