Pentagon enlists entertainers to win war

Dec 20, 2010 - The State Department has announced that Hollywood entertainers will lead the next “surge” into Afghanistan as a strategy to wrap up that 8-year conflict. On Sunday, President Obama will sign an executive order reinstituting the draft for “actors, musicians, poets, and comedians.”

The new strategy grew from an internal study reviewing the effectiveness of the Pentagon’s war strategy, according to a Department spokesman.

“We realized that some of our most effective weapons in the fight against terror are entertainers. They exhibit every tactic we espouse - clear goals, targeted strikes, efficient use of resources, and immediate withdrawal.”

The Pentagon is moving swiftly to audition artists and supply them with appropriate material.

“We are mostly looking for comics right now,” said the spokesperson. “It is really hard to find anything funny in this war, but we know someone is out there right now writing jokes and scathing commentary. The Taliban just cannot stand up to that type of witty repartee.”

While the goal is withdrawal by August of 2011, officials hope they can move that date up with “the right off-Broadway production.” Reporters have learned that Cabinet officials have also discussed a secret weapon. There are few details, but one leak mentioned that it involved “a medley of show tunes.”

“Kate Smith and Bob Hope helped win World War II. We are confident Chris Rock and Bill Maher can rise to this challenge and get us out of Afghanistan.”

In related news, the Screen Actors Guild is reporting an unexpected drop in membership.